I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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