Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
