I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
