I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
don't judge my taste in strippers
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
