I am in a vortex of obligation.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
