If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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