saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
