1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
