a search helicopter?!
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
