Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
