Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
