Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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