I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
