I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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