Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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