I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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