I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
