I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
