Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
