that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
