Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
