You can't special order awesome
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
