Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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