OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
