If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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