If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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