Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
