She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
