Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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