How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
