Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
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