you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
