when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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