I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
