dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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