Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
