My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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