you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
