Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she looked like the before picture.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
