I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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