I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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