Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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