tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
His hands were made for my vagina.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
