Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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