How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
