my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
