chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.