those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
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