you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
