my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
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I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
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We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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