Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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