so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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