I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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