4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
