I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
