So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
