Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
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