I just cut my nipple shaving
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
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we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
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I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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