That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
